Lovelies, Miss Lonelyhearts knows a few things about mothers and even more about Mother Superiors, but a girl has to keep some things sacred! This issue, we tackle the one relationship that defines all others, the one with our mother. My mother was a gentle person who enjoyed music and Valium. I guess I am just like her!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I am a 35-year-old professional lady who lives with her mother. When I finished college, I moved back in with my mother because of her severe nearsightedness. She felt that her house just wasn't safe anymore and she needed me there in case she ran into the furniture. Of course I moved in and have lived with her for the past 14 years. Here's the real heartbreak though: Last month, my mother saw an ad for a Lasik eye surgery center and above my objections, she got the surgery. Well, now Mother is walking around fine without her glasses or her shin-guards for that matter, and she told me that I am free to move out anytime. I feel like I've been dumped! What do I do?

Signed,
Bitter, Lonely, and In Need of a Duplex and an Entertaining Date,

Dear BLINDED,
Talk about a mommie dearest! Honey, I don't blame for you being upset with your formerly myopic mother. Sounds like she was quite a manipulative B-I-T-C-H, if you ask me. Yet, it also sounds like you had a classic case of mother-daughter role reversal. You became the caretaker and she became the big baby. Usually the mother is in a nursing home at this point but that doesn't matter. Now, your mother is growing up and going through a bit of a rebellious teenager phase, but who can blame her? She's got her sight back and is free to do what she wants without needing your elbow to guide her. I think you should be embracing this change. I know that sounds very Dr. Phil of me but I've been watching that manly man since his days on Oprah and his wisdom just seems to catch on, kind of like Lasik surgery. Here is what I suggest you do. Go rent a little apartment on the other side of town, get on match.com and find yourself a nice boyfriend who you can fall desperately, hopelessly in love with and start planning that wedding. Then, when he breaks up with you, you write me back and let me know what it really feels like to be dumped.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
My mom is always going on and on about how having children ruined her life and how she was so young and gorgeous before she had kids, blah blah blah. But the reality is, she had a crappy life before and she was never much of a looker. I have been listening to her for years and I wish I could say to her, "If we ruined your life so bad, why do you keep coming to dinner every Sunday!" Is that too harsh?

Signed,
Mother Unnecessarily Tortures Everyone

Dear MUTE,
I feel your pain. My mother did the same thing to me but she was a beauty queen and gained 180 pounds after pushing out my 10 siblings and me and never was able to find a man to stick around for more than a first date, so it was hard to get too mad at her. Oh sure, telling off your mother can be fun, but what does it really get you in the end? Just another example that your mother can throw back in your face about why her life is so miserable. You don't need to give any more ammunition to the victim brigade, hear me? What you should do is just agree with everything she says and make it a little joke that you and your family can all laugh about behind her back. I also find slipping some Jack Daniels in her Diet Coke helps. That'll put her right to sleep and make those Sunday dinners less troublesome.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
It seems that my dear elderly mother has taken up with an equally elderly suitor from her retirement home. What began as an innocent flirtation over cottage cheese with pineapple in the dining room has escalated into a full-fledged love affair. These two lovebirds find any opportunity to kiss and pat each other's bottoms and they don't care who might be watching! I honestly thought it was cute at first, but now I am annoyed and mildly nauseated at their puppy-love antics. How can I tell my mother to quit with the PDAs!

Signed,
Enough of the Elderly Erotic Co-mingling and Humpage

Dear EEECH,
Affairs of the senior citizen heart can be tough on the children but when PDA of the arthritic kind is on the scene, that makes it worse. On the one hand you could try to be happy your poor elderly mother has found someone to feed her instead of your having to do it, but the gross factor is still pretty high. Ew! Now I've got that image in my head. Lord, make it stop! Ever tried just leaving the room? Or suggesting they get a room, preferably one that is sound-proofed? Well, either way, you could tell her that her getting more action than you're getting is really pissing you off and if she doesn't stop it you'll have no choice but to pull the plug whether her living will says to or not. Yes, it sounds like a threat, but what else are you supposed to do in these desperate situations?

NEED ADVICE? SEND MISS LONELYHEARTS AN E-MAIL. SHE'LL READ IT. (SHE MAY EVEN RESPOND TO IT.)

Mothers Issue Features:

{ She's Having a Baby: The Lesbian Gayby Boom }
{ Universal Mother: An Interview With Writer Ariel Gore }
{ All About My Mother: The Greatest Movie Moms }
{ Somebody's Mother: A Photo Essay }
{ Losing the Almighty Mother }
{ A Grandmother's Lament }
{ Are You Going to Eat That? Mother's Cooking }

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