Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:

I just moved into a fabulous new loft apartment in, like, a really awesome and trendy neighborhood. I mean, people dream of living in places like this. (Thanks, Daddy!) So, of course, I threw a party for myself... like, a housewarming party... last night. I thought for sure people would want to see a place like this for real and not in some cheesy magazine like Architectural Digest. You know what I mean? But, get this! Not a single person showed up! What is that about? That's so fucking rude! I hate my friends! What's the point of having a fabulous apartment if nobody sees it? Should I dump my friends?

Signed,
Wasted In Terrific Loft, ESSex Street, NYC

Dear WITLESS,

Did you send invitations? Did your friends know that you were having a party? I once had a friend who had an unpopulated party and when confronted with the reason behind the no-shows, she was forced to admit that the invitations to her fest were still nestled in her purse. It wouldn't hurt to ask your pals what happened, they may say they forgot, or that you are a snotty rich kid and they never liked you in the first place. Either way, you'll know the truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:

How can I get my friends to throw me a surprise party without making it seem like I want them to throw me one? I've always wanted a surprise party and I've tried dropping hints, like, "Gee, I wonder what it would be like to have someone throw me a surprise party on my next birthday. Which is next Thursday. When I will turn 34," and "Remember Stanley in accounting's surprise retirement party? Man, he sure seemed happy. Wouldn't it be great to have that happy feeling like Stanley?" No luck so far. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Employee Lonely And IN nEed of a Birthday Extravaganza Not that I Should have to ask...

Dear ELAINE BENIS,

People enjoy throwing parties for other people, as long as they are not required to purchase gifts, food, or any item for the party themselves. This is why your coworkers avoid you in the halls and never call you by your real name. They are frankly tired of your obnoxious birthday party groveling. Here's the answer to your problem: Get Gladys in tech support to be your party thrower, only buy everything yourself. Choose your favorite kind of cake, buy yourself a necklace and wrap it up, and don't forget to buy a card and sign a bunch of names to it. Office people love parties and lots of 'em, just don't expect anyone to open up their wallets.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:

We have a disagreement going. One of my 12-year-old daughter's mom's friends insists her daughter wait to show up to any party, dance, etc., 30 to 40 minutes from the time the affair starts. She calls it being "fashionably late." Even if the invitation reads 8:00 PM, she shows up at 9:00-9:15 PM.

I say this is incredibly rude. There was a surprise birthday for a friend tonight and the guest of honor was there before this girl in question. Now that is not fashionably late, that is just rude and self-centered. I don't think it is nice to make a "grand entrance" at such a late time, distracting attention, particularly from a guest of honor. It calls attention to the late comer, as opposed to the guest of honor, where the attention is supposed to be directed. ( Of course, this is the idea of being fashionably late, attention, that is).

Just what is considered fashionably late? I say ten minutes MAX.

Sincerely,
Adore Being First to Arrive in Birmingham

Dear AB FAB,

Sorry to disappoint, I agree with the other lady and frankly, the earlier these preteens learn the importance of appearance, the better. No hostess likes an early bird and I do think that arriving to most functions (except for the ballet, those prima ballerinas hate the tardies) a little later than the said time is proper. But what is proper? I think 30 minutes late is acceptable, but anything over an hour is rude and you had better have a good excuse, like you lost your arm, and you have the bloody stump to show the hostess.

Party Issue Features:

:: History's Greatest Parties ::
:: Your First Dinner Party ::
:: Getting In With the In Crowd::
:: The Truth About Frat Parties ::
:: Miss Dixie Longate Throws a Mean Tupperware Party ::
:: It's Not Strange To Throw Your Dog a Party ::
:: How To Set The Whole Thing To Music ::

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