Spring is here and, my dears, love is in the air! My girlfriends have been telling me that they are having trouble concentrating at work as it seems pheromone-influenced daydreams of naked co-workers and clandestine trysts in the supply closet are creating hostile environments in their own brains.

The birds do it and the bees do it, and darlings, I'm here to help YOU do it.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I recently received an invitation to attend a party where there will be group sex. The other invitees are friends and some strangers—for spice, I'm told. This will be my first time at a swinger event, and I'm not really sure how these parties work. What if I want to be with Billy but not with Bobby, and maybe with Betty? How do I politely tell some people "yes" while telling others "no?" I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

-Signed,
SECRET SWINGER in Hartford, Connecticut

Dear SECRET SWINGER,
This really is a pickle. And speaking of pickles, I was once the "key taker" at a group sex party at the home of Mr. Vladimir Vlassic, the heir to the Vlassic pickle fortune. That was quite a night! I was in the middle of a Vlassic sandwich when I was quite surprised to feel a very unexpected and unwanted pickle attached to a Mr. Ernest Mustard (not his real name). What is the proper etiquette in a situation like this? I thought. Not your everyday predicament, but there are polite ways of fending off offending pickles without hurting anyone's feelings. I told Mr. Mustard, "I am not comfortable being intimate with you. Please take your pickle elsewhere." He was not insulted and promptly engaged in another, larger grouping that could only be described as a 10-foot sub.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
Will you please clear up a matter between me and my boyfriend? We've been seeing each other for almost two months, and lately he's been acting differently towards me. We used to greet each other every morning in the elevator bank, now he won't even look at me or he avoids me altogether. I wait for him to get off work and as soon as he sees me, he runs to his car and pulls out, despite my protests. And now I've been informed he wants to get a restraining order against me. Can you believe that? Do I deserve this kind of treatment considering all the love I'm willing to give him? Miss Lonelyhearts, he knows he's mine, why can't he stop this charade and just let me have him?! I've sent him love letters, I call him and leave messages of love on his answering machine, watch his every movement to show how much I can love him, what more do I need to do?!?!?

Signed,
Sad, Tired, And Lonely in Killington, Vermont

Dear STALKer,
Did you happen to read Oprah's last Book Club selection, One Hundred Years Of Solitude? Well, I think that you should go and buy a copy of Mr. García Márquez's later masterpiece, Love In the Time Of Cholera. This is the tale of Mr. Florentino Ariza who waits patiently for 51 years to be with the woman he loves. This seems to be your mission in life: to love this one man forever. My advice is to wait. Be patient. If he is your true love, you should keep calling him until he finally answers the phone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
What do you think of a man who does not have a driver's license? Last night I had a blind date with a 40-year-old man who told me he's never had a driver's license. He's never even driven a car just for fun! I think this fact says a lot about this man, and not in a positive way. I really don't enjoy driving people around, and I have a feeling that he might like me just for my Le Car. Am I being shallow for discarding him so early for such a minor quirk?

-Signed,
Can A Bus Bring Inferiority to Everyone? Los Angeles, California

Dear CABBIE,
Your letter reminded me of a humorous story from my school years. Our physics teacher, Mr. Plaid (not his real name) was married to our English teacher, Mrs. Plaid, and they enjoyed driving to school each day together. But, this wasn't always the case. For many years, Mr. Plaid insisted on driving even though he talked aloud to himself, drove off the road, sped up or slowed down erratically, and overall scared the dickens out of Mrs. Plaid. When Mrs. Plaid felt she could ride no longer with her husband, she confronted him with a litany of his traffic violations. In his own defense, Mr. Plaid explained that his driving was distracted by a daily meditation on Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Not wanting to disrupt her husband's genius, Mrs. Plaid took over driving duties while Mr. Plaid filled notebooks with his writings and ramblings.

The moral to this story is CABBIE: you may have genius there, and you have to ask yourself if you want to be Einstein's chauffeur or just a passenger on the scary car ride of life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I'm a very good-looking, healthy, straight man. I'm what you would call "a good catch." Trouble is, I can't get laid to save my life, and I can't figure out why. Women should be falling all over themselves for me. I mean, what is it with these modern chicks? You can't flash a dazzling Pepsodent smile without a look of repulsion these days! I try all that stupid holding-the-door, paying-for-the-meal, listening-to-what-they're-going-on-and-on-about respect shit, and it gets me nowhere. Am I doing something wrong?

-Signed,
Everyman, Gallipolis, Ohio

Dear EGO,
Oh sweetheart, every man thinks that he is God's gift to the world, and I have to tell you, unless your name is Justin Timberlake, you most certainly are not! Girls are not impressed by your bright white teeth or feigned interest in their modeling careers. I think that the only person that is in love with you is you! Your name might as well be Rocco DiSpirito, which reminds me of the handsome chef's adorable show on NBC called The Restaurant. Rocco doesn't seem to have any trouble with the ladies, maybe you should ask him where you're going wrong.

 

Features:
One Is Not the Loneliest Number: quirkyalones
Might As Well Face It You're Addicted to Sex: A Sex Addict Revealed

Crazy In Love: Actress Paige Moss on Buffy, 90210, and French Boys

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover: Breakup Books
Love Hurts: Fashion Spread Featuring Story Of O
Marriage: You Give Love A Bad Name
When Will I Be Loved? Dating in NYC

The Look Of Love: Wedding Announcements

** EXTRA: Our Top Ten Favorite Things**

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