Hello again, my trusty readers. This issue's column is devoted to the criminally lovelorn, the driving while intoxicated with love potion number 9 dreamers and schemers of the heart. What a wild and passionate world there is out there.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I have come to the conclusion that the reason why I have never had a boyfriend is because I am deathly afraid of commitment. Over the last five years, I have never dated anyone for longer than a month. After just a few dates, I start criticizing every thing about the poor fellow: the way he parts his hair, the way he sips his coffee, the condition of his shoes. Just everything! I know it's because I am afraid to really submit to love.

How do I look past these petty annoyances, and get on with true love?

-Commitment Resistant In Terminal Island, California

Dear CRITIC,
Many women fear the inevitable loss of personal freedom that comes with a long term commitment. Personally, the thought of marriage makes my skin get all itchy. What I have found, though, is that not EVERY man is looking for a lasting relationship, or even any sort of touching. I'm talking about men on death row, CRITIC! Safely tucked behind ten inches of unbreakable glass, these homicidal hunks will be dead before you can even notice their annoying habits! If you pick your Felonious Fabio near his execution date, he might be the best boyfriend you ever had.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I was wondering exactly how much time would I be looking at if I were to (and I'm not planning to), just hypothetically, ask someone to off my lyin', cheatin', bastard of a husband? And if someone did find someone to off him, how would one go about finding such a hit man? Just wondering.

-FrustratEd and Disgraced, Unionville, Pennsylvania

Dear FED UP,
My dear, asking is just as bad as doing. But we are not here to judge. I would suggest counseling before any murderous plots are set into motion. On the other hand, perhaps you have never heard of Amy Fisher? I think you are the one that needs to watch your back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
My husband is a cop, and there are certain activities that I would like to try that he says are illegal. He says he "has taken an oath to uphold the law," blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, our love life is definitely blah. What do I do to convince my husband that we can get freaky without worrying about getting arrested.

-Eagerly Wanting Some Action In Beavercreek, Ohio

Dear Eager Beaver,
In my experience, people in law enforcement and related law-abiding jobs can be a real drag in the sack. They tend to take very un-sexy stances on such personal behavior as fornication and the like. Now you could try asking him to bring his handcuffs home and see where that leads you. But I suspect your husband may be too far gone to be able to experience the more interesting pages (but still illegal in 12 states) of the Kama Sutra. I say, take a lover.



Features: Interview: Ann Rule | Interview: Texas Justice | Law and Order | Kid Fears | What You Should Know The Next Time You're Arrested |Vacation: Alcatraz | Murdered Denizens of Green-wood Cemetery | Quiz: Are You A Criminal? | Photo Gallery: Crime Scenes Before and After | BONUS: Stupid Laws | Crime: That's Entertainment!

In Every Issue: Miss Lonelyhearts | Criminally Bad Fashion | Calendar | Letters To The Editors | Crime Links | annabelle store & The Pencil of The Month Club | About Us | Submissions

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