Even the most fashionable amongst us have had a few scrapes with the law, but if COPS has shown me anything, it's that fashion sense is severely lacking amongst the rest of the criminal element in this country. What are they thinking? How many times do I have to see a bank robber wearing acid-washed jeans? And since when do ladies of the night wear khakis and T-shirts when they are working'?
How far the fallen have truly fallen since Pretty Woman.
I recount for you a cautionary tale of a night on the town with two ladies that started with criminally bad fashion and ended with a misdemeanor assault charge.
Tammie and Cherie work hard, 40 hours a week, at the Dollar Tree out on 102nd and Gladstone. They are neighbors in an apartment complex called the Laurelwood Arms, the kind of place where all of the apartments look out onto an empty swimming pool and residents only stay for a month or two. Every Friday night the ladies put their respective kids to bed with a little extra Pedi-tussin, lock their doors behind them, and head into town. They have been doing this for a few months and so far everything has been fine. It's the only time these gals get to play video poker and hopefully meet a nice fella...
On the bus ride downtown they assure each other that they look sexy, young and slender. Cherie has a thing about wigs because she has thin hair, and that's fine, but the wig isn'tbrownish-gray bob with long straight bangs on her completely blond eyebrows. At 5 feet tall, she's now a sprightly 187 lbs after losing 50 pounds on the Atkins diet. Tonight she is sporting her usual high-waisted LEE jeans, white aerobic Reeboks, and black leather jacket with suit jacket lapels, large shoulder pads and three brass buttons. She chain-smokes whatever is on sale at the Dollar Tree, and has a disturbing, brash way of speaking and an I-have-smoked-two-packs-a-day-since-I-was-11 wheezing laugh and phlegmy cough.
Tammie has feathered hair that she bleaches with straight peroxide, giving her naturally dark brown hair a remarkable resemblance in color to the brass buttons on Cherie's leather jacket. She also has had success on the Atkins diet and only splurges on the white zinfandel the ladies order by the carafe on Friday nights. Most of the time, Tammie forgets to take off her green Dollar Tree apron, and can be seen wearing it on her lunch hour as well as on the bus ride home. Everyone knows she loves fairies and butterflies and tries to adorn herself with related accouterments, especially when she's out.
On the evening in question, they make it to their favorite bar, a tiki lounge that has 15 video poker machines, a karaoke machine, and other assorted fun fun fun! As always, they order the first of three carafes of white zin.
A security guard stands by watching the patrons and the machines. His statement goes something like this: "Yes, I noticed the two women right away, the one laughin' and coughin', talking to her lady friend. They kept banging on the machines, saying, That ain't right! Hey, I won that deal! This thing is an effin' rip off! I want my money back!' The kind of talk that I knew was leading to trouble. Then the one with the cigarette stood up suddenly and knocked the glass of wine out of her friend's hand. The glass bounced off the video poker machine, right back at the smoking lady, knocking her wig to the floor. They both tried to reach down and grab it at the same time, knocking their heads together with such force it knocked them both out cold! When they came to, the woman with the bleached hair became so enraged when she realized her fairy brooch was missing, and the other lady went so livid over her destroyed wig, that they both kicked me square in the shins and then twice in the buttocks. Yes, that's what happened, to my recollection."
Now, take heed, lovely fashionable readers, of this very sad story, this story of fashion woe, this story that led to a needless and brutal assault on an officer of the law. If only these ladies had better fashion capabilities, to be fair, who knows the possibilities. Why? Why the senseless violence? These women paraded around in terrible fashion. Every day. Day after day, without intervention. And so, people, I think there should be some time and thought into the following questions: "What will I be wearing today, and what is it saying to my public?" Let's not forget, "When I wear these ensembles do I feel a pull to drink bad pink wine? Smoke Benson & Hedges Ultralight 100's, while saying things to my peers like Fuckin'A and It's all good?"
Reflect, stretch, and relax... fashion is fun!
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