Do you ever find yourself wondering about the strength of your moral fiber? Wake up nights convinced of your righteousness or pure wickedness? This quiz will tell you definitively if you truly are an angel, or just a devil in disguise.

You find that you could use some scotch tape and Post-its around the house. The supply closet at work is bursting with enough supplies to stock an Office Depot. Do you...


a. Bring a shopping basket to work and help yourself. Office manager, be damned!
b. Take only one roll of tape and two Post-its. And some pens. And a bottle of whiteout.
c. Shop at an actual Office Depot for office supplies that are just so handy at home.
d. Believe that there is a secret camera watching all who open the doors of the supply closet. And one in the ladies room.

You're walking through a chichi china shop. Your overstuffed backpack brushes against a very expensive porcelain figurine and knocks it off its shelf. You:

a. Pretend not to hear the ear-splitting crash of shattered glass and saunter out of the store, waving good-bye to the security guard.
b. Oh my. How did that happen? Must have been the wind. Or that silly little Shih Tzu.
c. Apologize to the snooty clerk with tears streaming down your face and beg for his mercy.
d. Accuse the snooty clerk of knocking the item off the shelf on purpose just to humiliate you in front of the other, more worthy customers.

Polygamy is against the law in Utah, but people don't seem to care. Recently you discovered that you are in love with both Sally May and Betty Lou. Unfortunately, you are neither a Mormon nor a resident of Utah. The most obvious solution to your love triangle is:

a. To buy two houses in Utah, and without telling either of your ladies about the other, set about marrying both women and living a double life. How exciting will that be?
b. A little complicated since you forgot to get a divorce from your first wife before you married your second. No law in Utah is going to change the fact that your present wife is going to KILL you if she found out you are still married (not to mention romancing two other ladies!).
c. Are you kidding? I can only manage one wife and one religion, and my wife (and Pat Robertson) tells me to keep my eyes to myself!
d. You used to be a Mormon, but now your new guru doesn't let you call your family, or your wife. They put ideas in your head.

Your new boyfriend, Billy Bob, picks you up for your date in his newly acquired Trans-Am. He decides he needs to make a pit stop at a 7-11. While waiting in the car for him to return, you notice he's pointing a gun at the store clerk. You:

a. Touch up your makeup just in case COPS comes a-calling.
b. Slide over to the driver's seat keeping the engine running, but put the car in park.
c. Close your eyes and pretend you've been heavily sedated.
d. Call your best friend on cell phone and start whining about your luck with men.

Your parents just found two baggies of coke in the pockets of your cargo pants. They stand before you and you...

a. Think, "It's a good thing they didn't find the four baggies of pot and ten hits of acid in the other pocket. What would I have sold my friends at school tomorrow?"
b. Supply the telephone number of your friend Gabe's parents, whom you are holding the coke for. Which is technically true, since you snorted your baggie already.
c. Know that everyone is well aware that the baggie is filled with powdered sugar, a prop for the anti-drug play at school. Your parents laugh knowingly.
d. Explain that government agents must have put it down your pants when you were distracted on the F train. Your parents believe you and check the apartment for wire taps.

Walking down a street, you notice a wallet on the ground. You pick it up, open it, and find a huge wad of cash, a driver's license, and a picture of a happy family.

a. Whoohoo! It's my lucky day!
b. Take a portion of the wad of cash and then mail the wallet to the address listed on the driver's license with a note saying there's no need for a reward as you've already rewarded yourself for your good deed.
c. Put it back. You can't be bothered to help out any idiot that would lose his wallet.
d. Get paranoid that it's a plot by the NYC police to fulfill their ticket quota, take out tissue to wipe off fingerprints, and put wallet back where you found it.

You accidentally shoot an intruder in your home. You decide it best to:

a. Chop up his body, bury the parts all over the city, then pretend nothing happened as you troll for more victims.
b. He had it coming, damn fool thinking he could just waltz onto my property.
c. Phone your attorney and start praying.
d. Does Kmart know how deadly these weapons are? Better call Michael Moore! He'll know what to do!

Driving home after a night of partying, you accidentally hit a homeless man. The impact of the hit has lodged the man into your windshield. What do you do next?

a. Drive home, park the car in the garage, close the garage door, invite friends over for more partying, and forget anything ever happened.
b. Drive up and down a deserted road for a few hours to sober up, then drive to the hospital "immediately after the accident occurred."
c. Turn off the ignition, curse the homeless man for jumping in front of your car, then dial 911.
d. Pat the homeless man down, just in case he loses it and takes it out on you.

You order a cheeseburger with mayonnaise from the drive-thru window at McDonald's. When you're informed cheeseburgers do not come with mayonnaise...

a. Screw anger management, you're going down, McDonald's manager!
b. Take the mayonnaise-less cheeseburger, but get the last word in by tossing money at the poor McDonald's clerk at the drive-thru window.
c. Go on and on and on about what a stupid policy it is until the clerk makes you a special order cheeseburger.
d. You accept that it's God telling you you're fat so you Biggie-size your order of fries.

Your pregnant wife's nagging is getting out of control. You:

a. Kill her and dump the body in a lake.
b. Passively listen to the verbal abuse while thinking about an upcoming date with your mistress.
c. Consider alcoholism as your new hobby.
d. Form an evangelical men's Christian group.

Add up your score:

Mostly A's: We probably don't have to tell you that you are a criminal and one wrong move will put you in the slammer. Repent now!
Mostly B's: You're not quite a criminal, not quite a victim. But you are kind of an ass.
Mostly C's: Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, What do you do? You're a straight arrow and probably my mom.
Mostly D's: The world looks very scary if you get all of your information from the television.

 



Features: Interview: Ann Rule | Interview: Texas Justice | Law and Order | Kid Fears | What You Should Know The Next Time You're Arrested |Vacation: Alcatraz | Murdered Denizens of Green-wood Cemetery | Quiz: Are You A Criminal? | Photo Gallery: Crime Scenes Before and After | BONUS: Stupid Laws | Crime: That's Entertainment!

In Every Issue: Miss Lonelyhearts | Criminally Bad Fashion | Calendar | Letters To The Editors | Crime Links | annabelle store & The Pencil of The Month Club | About Us | Submissions

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