I am lazy. So lazy that this article was due last week and I am just now writing it. I'm so lazy that I would rather wait until the water and electricity have been turned off before I pay the bill. I make other people do things for me because I am too lazy to do it myself. My slothfulness has a lot to do with procrastination and my amazing ability to not really give a shit about things. I just want people to get along! And this is why I'm on a fast track to Hell: my desire for ease in life is at the expense of righteous behavior.

See, if I was a truly righteous person, I would do EVERYTHING the hard way. I would try to grow a garden in the middle of the desert using nothing but rocks and a dried gourd or read religious texts in the original Aramaic while flogging myself with a broomstick. I would take over foreign countries even if the population hated me. And I would do it all for the love of God. But, luckily for me, I'm too lazy to do things the hard way. I like to take the path of least resistance. The path filled with pretty shiny things, not prickly hard things.

According to Dante's theology, sloth is the "failure to love God with all one's heart, all one's mind, and all one's soul." In other words, doing anything other than thinking about religion all the time. I would certainly fail this challenge at the gates of Heaven. Lord, forgive me! Right now my brain is sending electric pulses to the gray matter concerned with celebrity love lives, eBay auctions, my search for the most ass-tastic pair of jeans, how to avoid the dentist and any number of other perfectly useless topics. Very rarely (and I am being generous) do I ponder God.

For that, I'm sorry, Dad. It just so happens that my Dad is a pastor and probably knows I just typed that sentence because Jesus sent it to him in an e-mail. (Oh, you don't think Jesus has e-mail? I know he has knee-mail!) I did not learn my slothful ways from my parents, both of whom are hyperactively industrious. Instead, I am a product of my dear Granny who never met a chair she didn't like.

Sloth is a particularly nasty sin because it means that a person's inaction will necessitate someone else's action. Meaning if I'm too lazy to take the car to the mechanic, then the tires are bound to come off in the middle of the freeway. True story. Then someone has to come and save me from the side of the road and grumble about it for years. (Time to give it a rest, Carl.) In the end, even the inconvenience of others is not enough for me to keep up with the everyday demands of life.

Laziness also has its roots in fear: fear that action will result in responsibility and demands on my precious time. I once had a job interview at a national magazine as a copy editor. I aced the written portion and the job could have been mine. But, when I met the editor, he said that there would be times when I would have to work overtime. My perky attitude disappeared. What? I can't work overtime! That would cut into my sitting-on-my-ass-watching-T.V. time! Not to mention my snuggling-with-my-honey-and-making-goo-goo-noises-with-my-dog time! Are you serious?

I didn't get that job, nor have I ever had a job that required overtime, direct responsibility for people's lives or money or really anything of any significance. Which, I can now see, is kind of sad and pathetic—the very definition of sloth.

On the other hand, I do other things that impact people I do care for almost daily. I help raise money for my niece who is disabled, I donate my time and money to causes I believe in, and I keep this damn magazine running. All for free. If I was truly slothful, I wouldn't care about anything or anyone except for my own comfort and that is the opposite of me.

So, if being slothful is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Oh, and could you bring me another Margarita? It seems I'm too lazy to get up.

 

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