Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

Ever since the 6th grade, I've had an interest in what it would be like to be with another girl. Not once have I gone out of my way to admit this to anyone, even close friends, aside from saying things most girls would say, like "she's pretty" or "Angelina Jolie is so hot!" I tend to have blunted emotions and problems with being emotionally detached in general. I just don't have passionate or even mild feelings for most people or things.

But lately things have changed. About two months ago, I met a girl at work. As I got to know Ana more and more, I really started to like her. We have so many things in common, even down to the way our emotions run. She's also a real tomboy and claims she can't even wear girl clothes because they are uncomfortable.

I started liking her more and more until one day I couldn't get her out of my mind. I told Ana of my feelings for her and she said, "Don't trip. It happens a lot. It's cool." I eventually told Ana's best friend about my feelings for Ana. She thought it was cute but then broke the news to me that Ana is very straight. My heart fell!

One night, Ana and I were just hanging out drinking. This is when I really poured out. I cried so hard telling Ana how I was SERIOUSLY wanting her. She comforted me and gave me her support. I was so amazed the next day that the object of my affection was taking such news so well. When we hung out, it wasn't weird at all!

I love her eyes and her voice and her persona and just HER! My attraction is beyond sexual and it never was about that. I just want to hold and kiss her and just lay next to her. We don't have to do anything, just be close. I've never been in love and if I'm not now, then this is the closest I've EVER been. Please, I need some advice.

Signed,
Just Obsessed with Dyke Impostor in Erie

Dear JODIE,

I'm gonna lay this out for you. Ana is never going to be your tender-roni. She is not a baby-dyke, as much as I find it hard to believe. That is what she has told you, and so that is what you have to go with. You have told her on two occasions that you LOVE her, but she is not reciprocating those feelings. Fine.

If this is the first time that your toes have twinkled with the very thought of laying in bed with another woman, you are experiencing the ancient ritual of first love. The majority of the time, first love goes nowhere. It is the culmination of a lifetime of childhood and adolescent fantasies that get built up and then literally explode all over the object of your affection. Don't worry. Happens to all of us. Happened to me and there was a bottle of whiskey involved. Don't ask.

What is more exciting is that you expressed your most protected emotions and you didn't DIE letting them out. That is a good sign. Keep doing that, but find a receptive object to desire. Trust me honey, they're out there.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I have a big problem and I need your help before Satan takes my husband away! I was born again recently (last week to be exact), and I am now in the trusting arms of Jesus. I have been attending Bible study and services for seven days now and I am positive that my soul will walk through the pearly gates, but I'm afraid I will be alone in heaven. See, my husband, Roger, thinks The Book is all a bunch of hooey and refuses to accept Jesus as his personal Savior. He flaunts sin to my face. He takes the Lord's name in vain and tries to have relations with me when he knows He is watching and would disapprove, especially since I can't conceive a child. Can you imagine what I'm going through? I am at a loss as to what to do with my sinner husband.

Signed,
Asking for a Miracle, Eureka, Nevada


Dear AMEN,

Let me get this straight. You'd rather thump the Bible than your husband? Unless your Jesus looks like James Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ, I don't see what the problem is. You are married for Christ's sake; you're not living in sin. And you don't have to worry about getting pregnant? Sounds like heaven on earth, if you ask me. It's obvious your rebirth has confused your husband. When you discovered the Lord, you lost Roger. Poor man, he's probably having to eat Swanson's TV dinners every night because of your prayer groups. I bet the only way you converse with your husband is through some form of verse-quoting. "And the Lord said, Thou shalt not withhold sex from thy husband." Trust me, God is too busy helping African children to be concerned about your sex life. I think you need to a) stop the hysterics and b) get over this fear thing all you born-agains go through, and just do it. Now, let's talk about James Caviezel. Lord, he is sexy! I sure could use a savior like him on these hot and lonely nights.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I can't stop consuming! I eat everything I can get my hands on. Some people can eat just one potato chip, but I eat the whole bag. Cake? Having only one piece is a joke to me. Since my husband left me three years ago, I've gained 65 pounds and it is starting to affect the rest of my life. I can't fit into my cubicle let alone any of my clothes. The worst is when people ask me when the baby is coming or when I'm going to have my own TV show called "Fat Data Analyst."

I know that gluttony is like the worst of all sins, but I'm having a hard time staying away from the bakery aisle.

Signed,
Pastries are my Life, Upper Meridian, Pennsylvania

Dear PLUMP,

What is with you God-fearing sinners not being able to look on the bright side of life? Don't you know there are contests out there for people just like you? Why, just recently, Japan's Takeru Kobayashi won his fifth straight July 4th hot dog eating contest in Coney Island. He ate 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes. He's only 144 pounds! Now there's a man who sees an opportunity and goes for it. Do you think any thoughts about gluttony pop into his head when he's shoving franks and buns into his mouth? Of course not. He had a record to break. So, there is a world of eating just waiting for someone like you.

 

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